Needle in the Hay

...people should stop complementing you, it just makes you even more obnoxious than you already are.

I don't think people understand the extent of the tragedy that has become my family. The only "logical" explanations my mom and I have come up with are: a.) my mom is the harbinger of bad luck. she probably broke a mirror, or is drawing in too much negative energy because of her pessimistic nature, or b.) this is life's irony biting her in the ass, and she, along with her husband and children, have no other choice but to deal. Because for some reason beyond anything fathomable God, or whoever the great giver and taker is, has a reason for bestowing us with all these challenges. Even though I'm not exactly Mother Mary (I think I'm more of a Mary Magdalene, noh?), I know that sacrifices must be made and that these things happen because of reasons much greater than we are. 

I like to kid around about our family's recent misfortunes, as much as my mom and my sisters do, because humor really helps us take these things in stride. You can really look at certain things, like my Lolo's elaborate fictional tales of Conching, fighting in the Cold War (which the Philippines was hardly a big part of, by the way) and Bilibid, in a humorous way instead of an ominous and depressing one. But to the people I do speak to about these things, just bear with me. With the stress and the fussing over the final requirements I have to fulfill before I can leave college behind, I hardly have any room for misery. Further details about my family and our experiences will most likely be explained in my memoir, to be released in 2013. Hahaha.


P.S. No matter how hard things get, my sentiment about my mother is unwavering: she's an amazing person. Even if she's got the worst of luck or the irony of all ironies, I feel like the luckiest child in the world because I have her as my mom. That's all. :) 

I don't even know how to properly begin this tirade, so I guess I'm just going to take as pragmatic an approach as I can. Maybe I can easily make a detailed account if I came up with a thesis statement first. Hmm let's see...

...PEOPLE SUCK. I suck, you suck, we all suck. The world is an ominous, disgusting place, and I want to escape from my despicable little bubble ASAP.
How's that for a thesis?

I continue my structured account (following the whole thesis thing hah) by enumerating the reasons behind my sudden social dementia:

1. I've been around terrible people for too long. How do I know it's been too long? Because I think I'm pretty terrible myself. I think that I've turned into someone I don't like because of the people around me, and that I have yet to be true to the sinister, straightforward underbelly of my character. Some of the people I know frustrate me, because some of them--really,some of them...are genuinely atrocious. Really. Self-absorbed, arrogant, obnoxious yet truly idiotic..the works!People who try to boast obsessively about their supposed successes, dwell and rejoice in other people's failures, refuse to give credit to whom it is due and detest it when others are better than them. These types of people have been ubiquitous in my life so far, and I feign good ties with them, mainly for the sake of peacekeeping. I actually don't get these people, I don't get myself and I don't get how I am able to tolerate and actually participate in this kind of social debauchery. This point may be poorly argued, but I really don't know how to amply explain my thoughts on this. Then again I'm sure it's quite easy to catch my drift. In very close relation to this point and my sentiment in my thesis about my "despicable bubble"...

2...I'm lifting a quote from something I posted on Therese's Facebook wall (yes, I refuse to participate in actual social gatherings yet I can't afford to pull away from the totem of online social networking. haha hypocritical me :P)

"I know, I have slits for eyes nowadays. I hate it,all the ill feelings I'm harboring are blurring mah vision. I think it's my psyche letting me know that I've exhausted as much as I can from Manila and that I need.to.get.out. For the sake of my aspirations, social skills and sanity. I think you and I both need to break away from this congested, phony, repetitive, claustrophobic bubble.."

I can only hope that there's absolute truth to one of my parting lines.
"..Soon, bebe, soon, we shall."

3. I'm through with not knowing. Not knowing who I am, not entirely knowing who my real friends are, not knowing why I feel so stuck and sticky with pretense and delusion, not knowing everything about what the rest of the world has to offer, not knowing anything at all. Anything.

I hardly have any breathing room in this city, a city so beautiful yet so cyclical, hierarchical and phony. As of now the best I can do is get a few gulps of fresh air every once in a while--during my moments of solace reading Bourdain and Baudelaire in between working on my thesis, the cups of coffee sipped alone, the Saturdays spent with the only person who allows me to breathe completely easy, the moments with cherished friends that can't ever be erased from my memory. I long for a life with the air untainted, and that's the kind of life I intend to begin living soon...

...and this beginning can only come with the closing of an old chapter, so I should probably stop this now and get back to my thesis so as to come a step closer to graduating on time. As "emo" or whiney as I sound in this entry to whoever may be reading this, I believe the appropriate description is jaded. Probably a bit more jaded at the moment than many of you are, but I'm sure some of you are echoing my thoughts.

Since I'm still lost and in the process of deconstructing my life to the most essential details in it, all I can leave you with are the all too wise and timely lyrics of Tony Ellis: "I know one day a change will have to come".

I know too, Mr. Ellis. I think many who feel the same way I do know, too...
...and soon, baby. Soon, it shall.

P.S. I may not be good at playing at video games but deception is a game I'm pretty good at. Keeping appearances is my sedative of choice before I can make my getaway.

...but since I don't want to rid my new journal with ill feelings, I think you are one of the most conceited and arrogant people I have ever had the disappointment of knowing. You probably don't realize that a lot of people don't take a liking to your annoying self-absorbed ways. Nevertheless I probably still have the most reason to complain since I get more for my _____________'s worth.

   I think you're pretty dense, dudeee.  You think you're so smart, talented, well-liked, blahblahblah all your other shit, when in fact your attitude is beyond eye roll-worthy. Sa totoo lang naman, wala kang kaperso-personality. Swineswerte ka lang when in truth you're void of any real talent, intelligence, depth or character. DUDE, YOU KIND OF SUCK----and to whoever is reading this right now, you have nooo idea how much I'd like to screw being cryptic and go more into detail about my disdain (since this is my blog and I'm entitled to free speech) , BUTTT I don't want to give much away because this is an issue I'd like to keep simmering at the pit of my gut and nowhere else. Thus, I will stick to my intended honest-to-blog + "kind" occulter status. Anyway, I hope you realize your smack soon enough.

I know we all have our days, but you really have been pissing me off 24/7 lately so TADAH!!! everyday is YOUR DAY!Just the way you loveee it :)

P.S. - Maybe it's not playing out like you want it to cause you're both so dry and boring? Oh, not to mention how you're such a feeling, demanding brat. Yeahhh, that too. Hehe.

http://lifeandotherverses.blogspot.com

New space, new space.

Goodbye, joshi-yo. Thanks for the memories (even if they weren't so great).

...that since the release date of "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" has been pushed to July '09, Summit decided to move Twilight's release to an earlier slot!

The first film from the Twilight movie franchise will be released on NOVEMBER 21!!!

Great news, right?!I found out last Saturday during the Twilight Coven Ph "Breaking Dawn" book discussion. The US release date is November 21. Pray that they agree to keep this date for the film's worldwide release. Even if the Philippine release date might be a week later or so, at least we're sure we won't have to worry about conflict in schedule with the MMFF anymore!Yay!!!

I'll keep you guys posted!---and you can also check www.twilightcovenph.blogspot.com for more updates. Read the full article about Twilight's earlier release there, too. :)

Nicai blogged about her intense, semi-prostitute dream (hahaha) a few days ago. My other friend told me that he had the weirdest dream the other night, and he doesn't understand why it's been bothering him. For some reason, oddly vivid dreams have been rampant. I had a dream last night. I don't know why I find it funny, because it was far from that.  Although the first part was very pleasant, I ended up being completely horrified, in agony, screaming while clutching every part of my body for a solid 30 minutes. After I managed to stop screaming, I just sat on my bed for another hour, silently crying away the images that seemed all too real. I know that my dream was partly influenced by "Breaking Dawn" (the last novel from the Twilight Saga) since I had been reading it obsessively since Thursday, but there was something truer and terrifying there, something that's been bothering me since I gained consciousness this morning...or maybe long before I even had this dream.

I remember feeling cold. That was the first thing I noticed. I was lying down on my bed, wrapped up in a thick comforter. I hardly ever feel cold, so I found it strange that I was having chills despite already being bundled up. I suddenly felt a hand slowly run through my back. I didn't realize he had been lying with me; he was as still as a statue. His touch was icy yet warm, smooth as marble but hot as burning coal. I stopped the gentle hand when it had reached the small of my back. I laced my fingers with his and I suddenly felt accustomed to his ice cold touch. Our hands stayed locked. He softly brushed my hair aside with his free hand and placed his cool lips on my nape. I felt a slight, crooked smile escape from his lips. I smiled too, because for some strange reason I knew that I was irrevocably in love with him. I didn't even question my behavior or feelings; I just knew. I felt lightheaded. I was so in love with this man,a man I had yet to see. His lips suddenly parted, and he whispered the words I had been wanting to hear. The words "I love you" touched my nape, sending a strong current surging through my body. Without any hesitation, I gave him a quick but meaningful reply. "More than my own life". I didn't even have to see his face to know that I was the Bella Swan to his Edward Cullen.

My vision turned hazy, and I felt even more lightheaded than I did before. I hastily shifted from one scene to another. His lips were on mine, his bare, sculpted torso pressed on top of my body, the moonlight, the water, his lips, waves and waves of pleasure running through my body (IT FELT REAL. I think this constitutes as a semi-wet dream?hahaha).

I blinked, and I was transported into a dimly lit room. The walls were white. The otherwise open and inviting glass windows were draped with cloth. I was lying down on a narrow examination bed.  As I was trying my best to observe the unfamiliar room, I felt a sharp, stinging pain hit the right side of my body. I tried to muffle my agonized cries. The pain was terrible. I suddenly felt the scratching, punching, gnawing all over my stomach. Once I was in the room I had already felt much heavier, like I was carrying something twice my size and strength (in the dream I was a lot thinner and more fragile than I could ever be in this lifetime). It was as if I was suffocating when I realized that I was pregnant....and I wasn't just healthy pregnant, I was a sick, morbid kind of pregnant. I lifted up the loose white gown that was covering my enormous baby bump. I wasn't prepared for what I saw. My stomach was stretched, stretched to what appeared to be its limits. The ruptured veins caused my skin to bruise a crimson red and a deep purple-blue. I was in pain and very pregnant with a baby that was ready to fight its way out of me.

Upon my realization, I began to go hysterical. The pain hit all the worst nerves. My knees buckled, my eyes bulged because of my wailing. I suddenly saw a hazy image. Pale, beautiful faces, faces that were as frantic and burning as my own. Edward's was the clearest one. His face crumpled up into an intense, horrified expression. He comforted me yet  firmly instructed his sister to get what they needed. He gave me a look that was both hard and loving. "We're going to get that monster out of you".

I felt the most intense surge of pain. I wailed even louder. The baby, my baby, was trying to escape the confines of my womb. I saw my skin stretch as much as it could, more splotches of crimson and purple and blue erupting on my belly. The room began to spin and dissolve, all the pale, beautiful faces spinning and withering away with it. I was alone, and my baby was biting its way out of my womb. I felt his teeth bite through my insides. I screamed and I screamed and I screamed, the pain feeling all too real. I suddenly felt an overwhelming kind of pain, one that my body was about to surrender to. My baby had broken through my womb and had eaten its way out of my stomach. There was a hollow spot at the center of my belly. My baby's skin was blood red. His eyes were crimson. He was splayed on all fours in the hollow spot of my stomach, smiling up at me. I felt thick, uncomfortable fluid rush upward inside me. I thought that I was going to vomit because of all the gory things my body had gone through...then I began to spew out blood from my mouth.

Blood spilled from the middle of my legs, from my ears, from the hole on my belly. I knew that I had but a few seconds, a few seconds to at least touch the child that I had willingly given up my life for. My newborn son was now playing in the pool of blood in between my legs. With all the strength I could muster, I extended my arms and attempted to reach for my baby. As soon as I felt I was close enough to hold him, a dark figure took my baby and left me alone, masticated and bleeding to death. I felt a kind of pain I never knew existed, and I screamed until I stopped breathing.

That was when I woke up. I began to wail and held my stomach, felt my legs, extended my arms wildly. I still felt the pain, and I started to scream again. The only thing I could keep repeating was  "No, no, not my baby".

Aside from the annoying fact that the coming week is thesis proposal hell week and that requirements have come flooding in, I am not exactly in the highest of spirits. I am sad, angry, disappointed, WTF?! and experiencing intense hormonal imbalance. I am an unhappy camper, and I've had enough.

It's that time of year when I get sick of everything and everyone. Instead of picking fights or saying too many things, I'd much rather be left alone to do my work, read and do other things that I consider to be very therapeutic during these times. I feel like being reclusive. I've tried to get the chance to have some alone time this weekend, but I've been so busy with schoolwork and other things. I think that I'm going to subject myself to solitary confinement this coming week. Everything is becoming too irritating and ridiculous for me to bear. I just need to focus my energy on something other than wanting to shoot myself in the head.  I'm always, always bombarded by the same kinds of people, the same idiotic opinions, the same self-absorbed, conceited stories, the same "I'm the victim here" bullshit. I am TIRED of this sordid routine and I have to get away. The world as I see it makes me want to hurl. I can't stand it. I may have my Plastic moments and I may hold myself in high regard a few times, but some people are just so full of it. I may not have an arsenal of things that work to my advantage, but I still have some accomplishments that I take pride in. Unlike many of the people I know, however, I don't feel the need to tell everyone  about them and to insert "random stories" about "my very great self and my amazing life" in the middle of all my conversations.  What all these fanfuckingtastic people call confidence is actually pure arrogance. What's seemingly trivial kwento is in reality a declamation to their "physically beautiful/intelligent/talented/popular/lucky/lalalalaIDON'TGIVEASHIT" selves. Good God. Are these all the people who are left in the world, or do I just happen to be unlucky enough to be surrounded by these drones?

A kind reminder to all of You - ALL OF YOU AREN'T THAT GREAT. SERIOUSLY. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT YOUR CELEBRITY FRIENDS OR HOW PRETTY YOU ARE OR HOW MANY BOYS HAVE ATTEMPTED TO HIT ON YOU. JUST SHUT IT. PAULIT-ULIT NALANG KAYONG LAHAT HUWAG NALANG KAYA KAYONG MAGSALITA PUTANGINA. YOU AREN'T THAT IMPORTANT. I PRETEND TO LISTEN, SMILE AND NOD WHEN IN TRUTH I'M IMAGINING SHEEP RIDING BICYCLES, SWIMMING IN A POOL FULL OF KOOL AID AND OTHER ABSURD SCENARIOS---BECAUSE THEY'RE MUCH MORE INTERESTING THAN ALL OF YOU ARE. SO JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP. KAUSAPIN NIYO NALANG MGA SARILI NIYO SIGURADO AKONG MAGKAKASUNDO KAYONG LAHAT NG MGA PUTANGINANG BUWISIT SA MUNDONG 'TO. THANKS.

Great. Good rant. Now it's time for that much needed self-reclusion.

I tell not when its of consequence, not for the most trivial reasons or slips of the tongue...
....I tell either because of the burden, when I can't carry all of it in my heart anymore,   or when there's something to tell.

And there was something to tell, alright.

I'm sorry if I don't feel any guilt or remorse. Fine, I went behind your back. After you stabbed my friends in the back first, right?After you completely disregarded the feelings of others for your own little happiness?Go ahead, say I'm a bad friend. I honestly couldn't care less with regards to how you perceive me as a friend, because goddamn your yardstick is wayyy off the definition of a "good friend". You went behind everyone else's back. But then again it's not your fault that you just fall for any guy who pays attention to you, right?I used to tell people that maybe you just weren't good for relationships, but you were a good friend. What kind of a good friend lies to Pasia right to her face?!?You would've put a stop to your little charade as soon as you could if you really, truly cared about Pasia, Aki, or anyone other than yourself. We always have a choice, and after seeing the damage you've done first hand and knowing about your EXCELLENT track record, you seem to have a hugeee problem making the right ones.  I know you aren't selfish, right?You just do this to every single person who has trusted you and in every relationship you've been in??? You tell me not to judge you for one lapse in judgment, when your entire person is comprised of a very long chain of lapses in judgment!So where does the good lie? I know you won't defend yourself. I mean, five three-part text messages telling me that I "made things worse", but you "aren't trying to transfer the blame", and that you just "wish people wouldn't judge you or point fingers" isn't considered defending yourself and your mistakes, right?! OH MY GOD. You have very serious ISSUES. MAJOR ONES, for  that matter. You need help, dear. If no one else has said this to you, then I'm glad I was first. :)

 It's just funny how you destroy everything you touch.

Haha

This is the best thing anyone's ever written for me. It made me forget about how tired I have been and how badly I did in the first part of my Litehis midterm this afternoon. I was reminded of the things that really matter most. Screw the one or two cliches or any other negative critique anyone may have. This is MY "mess of words", and the guy who wrote this is the most sincere, silly and loving person in the world.

I love him more than anyone can ever know. :)

My girlfriend's a lit major
so I'm quite shy to write her a poem
but I'll try with every line
to declare my love for her.
I hold no hidden meanings,
minimal use of literary devices,
I have no literary paradigm,
only that of a three year old.
I am uninspired by any great poets,
I'd name drop but I don't know anything.
I have no philosophical background,
I know nothing literary,
maybe only some abc's,
but I love my lit major girlfriend
she sings bad she writes well
I sing bad I don't write well
perfect match.
Every rhyme is an accident,
every meter is a wild guess
I'll probably pass it off as freestyle,
but I know in her mind
she is correcting me,
laughing at me and my mess of words.
She is smiling,
that's all that's important anyway,
I wrote too much,
I bet toddlers can write so much better,
but she's smiling
and that's more than enough.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. 

I'M DONE.

DISCLAIMER: I'm home alone so I really have no one to share all my passion and love and lust and desire and pure, unadulterated laglag-pantyness for the hottest boy in the whole world (next to teh boyfriend, of course :P), so bear with me. BEAR WITH ME. I need to pour my heart out!!!
P.S. - I'm so sorry, beb. I can't help it.

JASON CASTRO WHY ARE YOU SO BEAUTIFUL?!?!WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL?!You always have this glazed look in your eyes (pwedeng stoned lang siya, but still!) that make your deep baby blues even more piercing than they already are. You have the most amazing set of teeth I have ever seen on a man!How do you keep them so white and shiny and GORGEOUS?!!!Oh I'm sure you don't even have to brush your teeth. Demigods like you probably don't feel the need to clean your teeth yet they remain immaculate and stainless and beautiful and shining and lovely and CRAP your smile, your smile. much like the entirety of your being, is AMAZING. FREAKING AMAZING. And your dreads. YOUR DREADS!!!I don't care if you haven't properly washed your hair in the last four years!I would gladly sniff out every speck of dirt on your perpetually clean scalp, because I'm sure someone as gorgeous as you could never be dirty...or that if you ever do get dirty the amazingly sexy smell of the dirt on your dreads and the sweat oozing out of your pores could actually really be some sort of aphrodisiac and would drive every woman in this world mad!MAD MAD MAD. I AM MAD FOR YOU, JASON CASTRO. MADLY IN LOVE WITH YOU, MADLY DEVOTED, MADLY IN LUST LOVE DESIRE...MADLY OBSESSED. GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I CANNOT TAKE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Don't listen to Simon you were great!!!If I Fell was perfect for you!And you look even sexier on the big stage!I didn't even think that was actually possible!!!If you fell in love with me I would jump you right then and there and we could be together forever and ever. You're going to be shirtless all the time so I can stare at your drummer's biceps and extremely toned stomach. I would lie there with you for the rest of my life GOD I WOULD NOT MINDDDDDDDDDD!!!!NOT AT ALL MMMMM SARAP MO, BABY!

JASON CASTRO P*KP*K I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!

I am so BORED. Bored bored bored bored bored. Insomnia is a bitch. Actually, I fell asleep at 8, immediately after I got home, and woke up at 12. I talked to Butch 'till he felt sleepy.

I don't know what to do. It's 3 AM and I'm wide awake. I'm done with all my homework for the week. My DVDs are missing. Pekpek.

Oh, Dead Man On Campus on HBO in a minute!YAY. Something to do! Oh oh, and I think for the first time in three months, I'm actually going to go to school early. I'll ride with my sisters and my mom at 6:30 even if my first class is still at 11:20. I'll just kill time by going through readings, going to the clinic to ask if I can still get my medical exam done and creating my ideal schedule + back - up schedules (in case life is a bitch and all the floating classes I want run out of slots early). How productive of me. -_-

What a lame update. Blech. Sorry.

My heart palpitates as the lights convulse.

D day is fast approaching---and it's going to hit HARD. Getting through it is all a matter of self worth.

Willpower, don't let me down.

------

Just as long as you're gone, it won't happen at all.

I am a horrible, horrible person. I am a bad friend, I am a bad pseudo ex-girlfriend, I am a bad EVERYTHING. Here are some of the reasons why I am such a terrible friend/pseudo ex-girlfriend/THAT/girl/lady/woman/etc:

1.) I am a bad friend because I'm beginning to judge some of the people that I love the most, which is pretty ironic. I just realized that there are only a handful of people that I love unconditionally.  I'm being so condescending, hypocritical and selfish. I'm becoming so self-absorbed. Wait, I don't know if I am, really. I think that I have reason (actually, a number of reasons, rather)  to feel the way I've been feeling. I feel like some things aren't going to work out, that we're just wasting one another's time and that I'm throwing away a lot of things for a little "playtime". However, I feel that if I do decide to do things on my own and get out of this, I'm going to end up betraying a lot of people and end up causing some sort of rift. GAHHH this is so complicated . What ever happened to sticking to the plan? I didn't want this! WHOEVER DECIDED TO CHANGE THE PLAN SUCKS. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. BAD IDEA, SHITHEAD.  Haha this part of my entry is so vague and cryptic and I really meant for it to be that way because I don't want anyone to know who or what I'm talking about YET. Run on sentence wtf.

2.) I am a terrible pseudo ex-girlfriend because I don't know what I'm doing...and by not knowing what I'm doing, I believe I'm being cruel. As if knowing what I'm doing would actually make a difference. I'd still end up hurting him anyway. The whole point of us breaking up was so that we---well, he refuses to take this time out for himself, so...so that I could find myself outside of our relationship, figure out my plans and what I really want to do with my life and to experience new things. But not talking to him and not being able to see him is proving to be very difficult and complicated. Neither staying away from him nor talking to him is making things any easier for the both of us. Instead of trying to work on the agenda of this whole hoohah, I've been spending my time thinking about this entire situation. Talk about getting nowhere.

3.) I am being a bad THAT because...because!!!GOD.

Okay, that's it. I just needed to rant. Sorry for the really cryptic and annoying babble. I'm just starting to get sick of Manila. It's way too congested, it's always the same old drama and some people are just driving me insane.  I'm in dire need of a getaway. Thank God I'm off to Visayas in a week.

*dun dun dunnn!*

The sadness and frustration is slowly turning into anger...because He isn't even trying to understand why I'm doing this and where I'm coming from. He can't even wait without lashing out at me. He doesn't want to wait for me because he wants to get what he wants immediately. Now that I think about it, in the long run, He'll probably wait for no one.

Screw boys, screw girls.  At least I still have my books, my pen and my paper.  I still have my passport. I still have the thrill of seeing everything that is glorious and beautiful in this world. Those are all the things that I know I'll never lose.

Okay so we ended up having a good night. Good talk, good plans. I think from here on out I'm just going to take it day by day.

I'm just hoping that there won't be anymore pressure...and that oh so lively distractions will be kept to a minimum.

...Because I only wanted to talk to you last night, and my heart felt as if it was literally broken, I cried myself to sleep as soon as you told me it was a bad idea for us to talk, and that all you did was think about me the entire day. I don't know how much longer I can take this. Am I just being a big baby? Is it really time to start figuring out my own thing and experiencing things I didn't get to experience  when I was with you?...

...but my heart and my mind are screaming in unison, "I love you, Butch! You're the fucking love of my life and you know it!"

How much longer is this sinking feeling going to last?...

Uhhh. Forever? :(

As I write, the dark red dye I bought from Landmark only hours ago is seeping through the roots of my hair. Soon enough, I'm going to be a redhead. It was so impulsive of me, to buy a box of dye and decide to change my hair color on my own. I don't even care if I screw it up, if my hair turns hot pink or if my scalp burns. I needed to do this today. Because right now, the color of my hair is one of the very few things I have control over. I just went to the beauty and toiletries section of Landmark, chose a color that I though would suit me and went home and here I am. In a few minutes I'm going to wash the dye off and my hair will be red.

If only relationships could be as simple as that. If I could only act on impulse all the time and things still end up working out. If only I could have as much control over it as the color of my hair, or the shoes I wear with a certain outfit. But I don't. Well, I didn't. And now it's done.

I lost the love of my life last night. I feel like a part of me just suddenly withered away. I have lost my ability to fly. My wings are broken, and now my feet are back on the ground. It's a terrible, terrible feeling.

I love you and I miss you, Butch. I miss your lips touching mine, your hand grazing my nape, your beautiful brown eyes that seem to say everything your heart wants to let me know...Knowing that I can possibly never have any of those things again kills me. My heart is beating profusely, my hands are clammy, my head is spinning...because I don't want to go on without you. But it's something we have to do. I'm trying my best to be strong for you, for us, but I'm afraid I'm failing miserably.

I love you, I love you, I love you. Always. Please, never forget.



*  8:50 PM - It doesn't even look red. And I think the color's uneven. I have control over nothing. :|
* 9:40 PM - My mommy hates my hair. She says I look "EMU". Puta.